London, United Kingdom

Today is Britain’s version of Bell’s Let’s Talk day for mental health issues. So, I am going to talk! First, if you have not watched the TED talk by Brené Brown, I strongly suggest you do. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on _vulnerability.html It really hit home with the idea of “I am not enough”. This is a concept that I find myself struggling with often, because, although I can be very self-assured, I am still always concerned that I am not doing a good enough job, or that I am not thin enough etc. I especially have these self-doubts when it comes to my abilities, such as teaching. I am always worried that I am doing a good enough job. I know from other people telling me, that I am, but I find it very difficult to believe them.

I guess, my journey to ‘find myself’ probably started with my decision to leave Calgary. I knew something was missing, although I still haven’t completely figured that out yet! But I suppose I should fill some of you in. Firstly, this is quite a personal entry. I don’t share much about how I feel with anyone, relying on my journal and a few key people (Cdogdance and abaker, when I have the chance to talk to them).

Now, to set the stage, and to tie this into mental health, I was not happy. By the same token, I was not unhappy either. Simply put, I had numbed myself, and was moving from day to day, but not really feeling. I didn’t consciously realize this until this Dec, when I had the opportunity to meet some lovely women at an Exploring Femininity workshop. Then, over Christmas, Mark (brother) played the Ted talk by Brené Brown. At the workshop, I realized that I live very much in my masculine energy, or logical side. I also realized that things like emotions and vulnerability (typically associated with feminine energy) absolutely terrified me! I am naturally inclined to the logical side, as many a test or situation has shown. I am a realist, a pragmatist, I weigh the pros and cons before making decisions with a stable emotional affect. I have never really had big mood swings like some girls are famous for. But I felt lost. I was searching for something. I knew that when I traveled, I felt alive, and I love that feeling, but I didn’t feel that in my everyday life. It is part of what propels my wanderlust. Adventure, the unknown. I had hoped that moving to London would bring that joy to my life. Then I got here, and I didn’t feel any different. I had easily settled into a routine, and, not having money to do a lot of what I wanted, was feeling unhappy and stressed about my constant lack of money. When I moved here, I started as a daily supply teacher. I quickly realized that this is not what I enjoy. The instability and lack of connection was leaving me questioning my worth. (I am not saying I felt worthless, just that I was not doing what I know I am capable of, nor what makes me happy).

Now, part of feeling lost, is that you feel purposeless. By November, when I wrote my blog “What am I doing here”, this became apparent to me. My life as a supply teacher was really not what I wanted. I am much happier now that I have a part-time position. I can develop connections with my students and colleagues. I am a very independent person, but I don’t like being completely alone all the time, just floating through.

I have also been able to articulate what I am passionate about, which is girls/women’s education. This has been developing itself through my career and especially after I realized that teaching IS what I am meant to do (which I discovered when I was volunteer teaching in Kenya, with the adults). I have had some opportunities to really focus on girls in science through Operation Minerva and really being a role model for my female students. Now I am teaching in an all-girls school. Still, I am searching now for a way to really do this… In a third world country… particularly in South America… So… if you have connections, please let me know!

I have basically made the decision that I am not staying in the UK. Although it doesn’t rain all the time, it is gray and dark, and I feel that most people here are also numb. I have nicknamed them the Tubebots. They basically all wear a uniform: black, gray or navy blue. Get on tube. Stand or sit. Plug in music, read, don’t look at anyone. Get off. Work in job where personality is not welcome (at least that is my perception of the finance industry). Go mad with alcohol or drugs because it lowers your inhibitions and you can actually feel something. Go home. Repeat. Not my kind of life. I know that a lot of people love the city, and it feels right for them, but now that I am listening to my feelings and following my intuition, the decision was easy.

Now, to let you know what I am doing to try and have the joy of life in my everyday. First, as most of you know, I am participating in the 100 days of happiness challenge. Also, I have gone back into belly dancing, which I love. I am also doing latin belly, which is kind of like zumba, which I also love! After half-term I will be part of our staff choir. Despite monetary concerns, I am still traveling. Finally, I am trying, by writing daily to reconnect with myself. I do find it difficult, as I lack the words to express how I feel verbally. I hate it when people ask me why I feel a certain way. I just do. I don’t know how to express it. I am working on connecting more to my feminine side to create more of a balance, and not always live in my head. My favourite Lady Antebellum song, “Home is where the heart is” describes what I am striving to live. Experiencing life everyday. Stopping myself to bring myself out of my head. Carpe Diem.

Now that I have finished writing this, I hope it makes sense. And I hope that you strive to find something you enjoy everyday. Every moment counts. We only have one life, so don’t waste it!